A body in motion

Tag: relationships

  • The vampire

    I had a secret relationship with a married man.  I am not proud but I am also no longer ashamed. The word regret is not big enough to describe how shocking it is to wake up from such a terrible dream. I regret the six wasted years of my life and am still working through the anger I have at him and also at myself. It was only too late that I realized that my situation was not unique. That the words, the stalking and the acts of service, were all identical to the behaviors of countless men living duplicitous lives.

    Instead of going into detail about why I let him come back so many times and why I couldn’t seem to see the obvious plays and tricks, here are some things I learned. If you are under the spell of someone, whether married or otherwise completely unavailable, you may want to sit with these:

    He likely tells you that you are special. He may say that you are his favorite person in all of the world, his best friend, or that you are the most important person. He may even say that he is in love with you. He may say this all of the time while asking for hugs or for sex and commenting on how you should wear your hair in a pony tail because he likes pony tails.  These are all just words. Dumb ones and not original. You are special and important, but not to him. 

    He may get deep and tell you that he feels guilty for lying to his wife. But when you push him to fess up he has countless excuses for why he can’t tell her and then promises that he would never lie to you. Don’t believe this. He is lying to you right now.

    He will go to great lengths to do favors for you and then you will soften even more towards him. This means you are more likely to let him have more access to you.  And once you give in and let him, you will feel used because that is exactly what you are. He will acknowledge that you are upset and remind you that you are special and his favorite person and that he would never do anything to hurt you. This is all part of the trap.

    He may ask for sex and you may say no. He may press you for it until you just let him do what he wants. He may even acknowledge later that it was “a little rapey”. You may feel ashamed about this and very confused. 

    He will be jealous if you go on a date with someone else. He will sulk and ask detailed questions. He may even crash your date because you have no boundaries and tell him things you should not tell him. You will remind him that he is the married one but it won’t matter. Your allegiance to him is strong and he knows it. 

    If he is married he will likely tell you that his wife is crazy and that she could not survive without him. He will describe himself as the family man keeping the dream together. He wants you to see him as the strong man that protects all helpless women, including you. 

    He may even remind you that he will not be able to have sex with you if you sleep with anyone else. You don’t realize it but you will sabotage all other interactions with men in order to keep open the possibility of connection with this person because you believe that he is the only one who will ever truly care about you. This is just not true.

    You may ask yourself how you got here. You may know that what is happening will not end well and that you are contributing to your destruction and likely hurting others. You may tell him all of this and he will say that he knows but what other choice is there with a love as important as this. You are ultimately responsible for ending things. I repeat, you are responsible for getting yourself out. The sooner the better. 

    You may ask him to come clean and tell the truth or to go to therapy but instead he keeps lying, even to his closest friends and therapist. When you tell him that he needs to go away he may act surprised and even accuse you of being cruel or crazy or mean. He may throw a fit and stomp around or cry. Don’t fall for this act. Walk away.

    You feel handcuffed by all of the lies and eventually these cuffs will become so tight that they will cut off your circulation. Seek out stories from others. You will find that they are all much the same. It may shock you to realize that every single line out of his mouth is recited from an old script. He is not original and neither are you. Come back to life.

  • Elements, part 2

    Air

    The air is warm and full of plum tree petals. I am taking a circular walk around and around the blocks of my son’s elementary school. My headphones are in, the sky is bright and my mind consumed by a storyteller. In the middle of my second lap I realize that there is a person walking on the sidewalk about a half of a block behind me, neither gaining nor retreating and definitely not walking a dog. I notice myself noticing them. What is that feeling? It is familiar. I turn around and do a double take because it is him. He sees me see him and calls my name. I turn back around and yell,

    leave me alone!

    He responds,

    please, I want to talk to you. Please stop. Stop, I want to talk to you.

    I know this trick. He has done this so many times and, in the past, I fell for it. 

    In the past I would say,

    fine, okay, what do you want to tell me?

    I’d stop and look at him and he would look at me and he would say,

    I just want to talk to you. I miss you.

    I’d say,

    what else is new? Didn’t I tell you that I am not interested in your tiresome story?

    I am finally immune.  I’d say,

    unless you are going to tell me that you have stopped lying, that you are finally taking responsibility for your actions and will stop ruining my life?  

    Water

    When I succumbed in the past and stopped to listen he would always say,

    what do you want me to say? What do you want me to do? Why are you so mean?

    Sometimes he would cry, like that time in the pouring rain when he cried and cried and I felt sorry for him, hugged him and couldn’t let go, stuck on to the tentacles protruding from his raincoat and drunk on poison. He would take my hand and tell me again that we have a special connection. I’d agree and smile, the rain turning into small rivers under our feet. 

    Fire

    This time I started walking faster and shouting,

    stop following me! What are you doing here? How did you find me? For fucks sake. Why are you following me? Leave me alone, go away, go away.

    I faintly heard him call out that he happened to be driving by and spotted me and decided to stop. My chest is on fire and my face is burning with rage.  I begin to run, find  my car and hide inside until my son is done with basketball practice and we go home. I lock the door, make dinner and play legos with my son. 

    Earth

    In my dream I walk down the carpeted stairs to my basement. The new floor is gone. In its place, a grave. A terrifying monster climbs out of the grave and into my basement and I scream like it is my last breath. I think,

    how I could have built my house on the grave of such an evil spirit? I think about this as the monster reaches out for me.